P.S. You suck for dying

On March 3rd, I got a phone call at 8 in the morning from my grandfather. He asked me if I could get a flight into Baltimore so that he could go to the hospital (He was having trouble breathing) and he wanted to make sure there would be someone there to take care of my grandmother. Of course I could get a flight but I wouldn’t get there until about 5-7 hours later. I told him this and asked him to call my mother, who only lives 12 minutes away from him. He said that he wouldn’t call her because my mother didn’t care and had barely talked to them since Christmas. I said I would look for a flight and call him back. So, I called my mother and asked her to please go over to their house since he refused to go anywhere unless someone was there with Nanny.

I talked to him around 3pm that afternoon. I called him and he was at the hospital. He said that he had aspirated and that’s what was causing the trouble with his breathing. The doctor was giving him medication to get the liquid out of his lungs and they said it should be no problem and he would leave that night or possibly the next morning. I asked him if he still needed me to catch a flight. He said no, that he was fine and there was no need anymore. I told him I loved him. I told him I would talk to him later about moving to Texas again. I had been asking him and my grandmother to move here for the past 2 years or so. After this situation, where they wouldn’t even call the rest of my family for medical help, I thought it would be a good time to reiterate that they might be better off here, with me.

My mother called me at 6:00pm to tell me that my grandfather had had a cardiac arrest and that they had been performing CPR on him for 20 minutes and were still trying to revive him.

I can honestly say that I have never felt so crushed in my life. I have never had anyone close to me die before. I have always felt closer to my grandfather than my own parents. Whenever I was upset about something, I would call him. I can’t think of one time that he wasn’t there for me when I needed him. How many people can say that about someone?

I wasn’t just upset that he died. I was upset that he left me. I was upset that he left my grandmother. And I was upset that everyone else in my family didn’t love him the way that we did. I was upset that the last words that he said about my mother to me were that she didn’t give a damn about him or my grandmother. I was upset that families don’t communicate and then they can’t get past things and then it’s too late.

I know why my family harbored negative feelings toward my grandfather but I never cared. I'm not even supposed to know the reason anyway. I realize I'm being somewhat evasive on here. I apologize. The point I'm trying to make is that my family has been really good at saying that everything is ok when it is definitely NOT okay. The problem with this for me, is that it really COULD be ok. It could be okay if people would talk about their skeletons and try to work it out amongst themselves. I would talk about it but it's not my skeleton. It's not my foot that has to take the first step toward healing. I just feel bad that the biggest as well as the tiniest secret can belong to one person and it can break down a family, like a disease.

Sorry to get off topic so much. We all have anger sometimes.

After my grandfather passed away we took all the steps that people take when they have to handle situations like this. We called every place that we could find paperwork for around the house to see if we could settle accounts. My grandmother found out 3 years ago that she has macular degeneration and she is currently legally blind. Because of this, she gave my grandfather control over all of the finances and she really had no idea what accounts they had or didn't have.

We all knew my grandmother couldn't stay in the house on her own any longer. My fear, as I was flying in from Texas, was that she would refuse to leave and I would have to tell Aaron that we would have to move back to take care of her. She was given options though and my grandmother is a smart woman. I expected her to be more stubborn but she proved me wrong. She could move to my mothers house and stay close. She could move to Virginia with my Aunt. Or- my sister could move into her house and take care of her there. She could also move the 1400 miles with me and make Texas her new home.

She actually chose to live with me. I was comforted and surprised. My grandmother has never been further than West Virgina. Living with me would be a huge move for her.

She's been here for almost a month now. I was scared before. I know that Aaron and I can take care of her but I was scared. Don't get me wrong, I was so happy that she chose to stay with us. I know in my heart that we are giving her the best quality of life. I am so happy to be able to see her everyday again. I'm still learning so much from her, about her, myself and where I came from. It's good to have more family around me. It's still scary though. It's so much responsibility. Like I said, she's about 80% blind. She also has mobility issues and at our insistence has only been using her walker now for the past month. I'm pretty sure that she also has numerous health issues; hypertension, diabetes, COPD, Emphysema, osteoperosis. This in itself wouldn't be too hard to deal with, but my grandmother was making no efforts to take any medicine or anything before. She has always been a stickler when it came to seeing a doctor. She's never taken medication or gotten medication for any of these things. I am working on getting the health insurance situation together now so that we can take her to a doctor in Tx. It shouldn't take too much longer. I'm just waiting for the paperwork to get here.

Aaron is being amazing. He is the best man I know. Not just because of this though. Because of how good he is to me as well. Because he was happy to have my grandmother come here so that he could have a grandparent now too. He is gentle and kind and light-hearted with my grandmother. I knew he would be but regardless of what I knew, he is still so amazing to me. I could not imagine a better man.

I'm more tired now than I have been in my whole life. I am exhausted...all the time. But it's good because I know it's not for something stupid. I know it's for a good reason. I wish I could feel well rested more though.

I went to class this week and got out as usual around 8:30pm and started walking home. I reached for my phone and started to press 5 so that I could call my grandfather and tell him about what I learned in class that night. I always called him after every class. I stopped my thumb from pressing the button. I realized what I was doing. I started crying and shaking.

I got home and sat on the porch, waiting for my tears to dry up and the redness under my eyes to disappear.

It's been a little over a month now that he's been gone. I've never even gone a week without talking to him. After I got my license I would ask my mother if I could go over to my grandparent's house to visit them. She would say no and I would ask if I could run to the store. She would say yes and I would drive to my grandparents house just to give them a hug and a kiss and tell them I loved them and I missed them. Then I would pick up some milk on the way home. My grandfather was always there for me. He always told me that it would be alright. I knew it would be. I just needed to hear it from him. I hear him saying that now, but now it just makes me cry more.

I miss him and it hurts like nothing else.

My dad is the other person I call when I'm upset. He says it will never go away; it will just get easier. I know it will.

I stood over Poppy's (my grandfather) casket at the service and said things to him in my head and later out-loud, to the sky. I wrote the eulogy for him but there were some things I couldn't say. I tried to make it touch everyone and some things are too personal for a whole room full of people. These are the things I have been saying to myself when I'm alone, hoping he hears me:

I miss you everyday. I wish you could give me advice now, more than ever. I see parts of you in myself though, and it's comforting to know that you're still here in that way. I hope you have found some peace. I know it was hard. I wish you could have shared the burden with me, or even with Nanny, but you never did. I wish I could have taken some of your hurt away. I wish you didn't have to carry it around with you for so long, thinking you were this person that didn't deserve love. I hope all that has changed now. I hope you have forgiven yourself. I hope you know that a man is made up of more that one thing; one time in his life. I know I promised to take care of Nanny and I am happily keeping that promise. I wish I could hug you and give you a kiss goodbye. I'm sure that wouldn't be enough though because I'd want more time than that. You are a wonderful, caring, compassionate, strong, giving man. Thank you for being with us for this long. I love you.